I got your letter the other day. The one with the mirror writing. Was it as difficult to do as the picture I made for you with your name on it thousands of times?

It's strange when you are apart from someone for a long time. It's hard to imagine them changing. I know time is going by, but in my mind you look the same as the last time I saw you. When I think about it, to me you will probably always look like you did on that fateful New Years' Eve. It's difficult to believe that was only three and a half years ago.

What's your biggest birthday wish?

I've been to so many parties these past couple of weeks. We had one here at the apartment. It was cool. I didn't drink any alcohol this time. Someone put on the new Alanis song. It actually made tears well up in my eyes! Sometimes I can't believe she fucks me up as much as she does.

You know, after our first real encounter at Goldleaf, there's been this XTC song that makes me think of that day. I won't say that every bit of it is relevant, but the feel of the song takes me back there.

Then she appeared, apple venus on a half open shell
Then she appeared, the first photograph on Fox Talbot's gel
I was a little frightened
Flying with my senses heightened
Cherubim cheered
Then she appeared

Then she appeared, as the giggling crew of Marie Celeste
Then she appeared, pale Atlantis rising out of the west
I was a little dazzled
Catherine wheeled and senses frazzled
Know it sounds weird
Then she appeared

And the sun which formerly shone
In the clearest summer sky
Suddenly just changed address
Now shines from her blue eyes

Then she appeared, brittle shooting star that dropped in my lap
Then she appeared, dressed in tricolour and phrygian cap
I was a little troubled
Hookah with my senses bubbled
All Edward leared
Then she appeared

And the moon which formerly shone
On the marbled midnight mile
Suddenly just packed its bags
Now shines from her bright smile

Then she appeared
Out of nowhere

Anyway, it just reminds me of how I felt that night. It reminds me of you. But, then again, I'm such a sap. Lots of songs remind me of you.

It's such a dangerous thing that I write to you at all. Even more so late at night. I have a tendency to go over all the things that ever happened between us, all the feelings I ever felt for you. It's easier to write these things than speak of them. The late hour intensifies the desire to do so.

I spent today thinking of you.
I thought of all the things I miss.
The smell of your hair.
The softness of your skin.
Your laugh.
Your smile.
I thought of the time I first saw you tinted by the moonlight.
The stars reflected in your eyes.
Each glimmer seemed an excuse for a kiss.
Lingering kisses.
Swollen lips.
Passion's whispers anxiously translated.
Eager to accept their plea.
Blushing.
Naked in your offering.
Your gift.
I thought of how your embrace made me want for nothing else.
Holding you.
Trying to get closer still.
Warm body pressed against...
You, my only thought.
I sigh your name.
I thought of how I'd try to wake before you did.
Waking to a cozy, sunless morning.
Sleep in.
Cool clouds' invitation.
I stare at you beside me.
Sleeping angel.
Gently resting my head on your soft belly.
Listening to the sounds inside you.
Reassurance that this vision is real.
A soft kiss to wake you.
Your sleepy smile.
I thought about that time of my life.
Not existence, but life.
My vow then.
That no matter if the stars reflected
Or how sunless every dawn,
You could trust in me, and in my love,
And find solace in my arms.
I remember saying that I'd love you always.
Not surprised that I still do.
I thought of all the things I miss.
I miss it all.
I miss you.

I wrote that last year before we started talking again.

I hope you write to me soon and tell me about your birthday. You can leave out the part about how drunk you got or how much pot you smoked. Just like all the other things people keep from me to protect my feelings. I suck.

You know what I found the other day? The cast list for the Robertsons' movie. Some of the choices are pretty inspired. I might put it on the website.

OK, it's after 4:00am. Remember to go to www.hotmail.com to email me. Use italocalvino as the username and carvin as the password. I do hope you write me.

Secret? I always hope for some big revelation in your letters and emails. Like your going to ask me to marry you or something like that. Something that would make a lot of sense. I love you dearly and realize you will always be who you are, but I still foolishly hope that I will someday find my happiness and that you will have something to do with it.

What did I tell you about writing at night? I should go.

    Happy birthday, little girl!

       luis





If you want to see the first page I made for you again, here it is.